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Tuesday, July 7th, 2009
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4:58 pm - Religion - Why the Big Deal?
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The more news I watch, the more discussions I read, it seems to me that people are blaming intangible ideas, ideals and objects for the actions on human beings. I can't help feel like the foundations that I was raised on, although I know some of them are incorrect, are being attacked. The biggest one is Faith, and more specifically religion.
I have tried to be accepting of others opinions, faiths, and ideals - and hope that they have the same respect for me. What scares me the most is that mutual respect seems to be one of those ideals that has gone. Why is it that people feel the necessity to assume that one person's beliefs are exactly the same as another's? and because of this - all of those who are religious must be insane for condoning the actions of their brethren?
Take the anti-Muslim reaction of the American and to a lighter extent European after 9-11 and the other horrific bombings of other wold countries. People assumed all Muslims were the same - and that the religion was to blame.
Or anti-gun activists who believe the very act of owning such a weapon creates the acts of which they are used for harm and the gun is blame for the death of a human being.
When did personal responsibility and mutual respect become obsolete?
I have faith in my religion, I own a gun, and I have yet to kill a human being. The same goes for my husband.
I understand the need to blame something for the horrors that go on in this world. I just wish - that I didn't feel so alone for being faithful. That my faith is being blamed for wrongdoings being committed by others. Why can't people understand that Faith in anything, whether or not it is the same Faith, or the same God (singular or multiple, in any shape or form) - is not such a horrible ideal? I can't help but feel tremendous respect for those who have faith in the less common regions. The mockery they must face because their beliefs are not mainstream.
All of this kinda reminds me of the phrase - why can't we all just get along? (and not attack each other's opinions?)
current mood:  discontent
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| Sunday, April 12th, 2009
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1:31 pm - Writer's Block: Sweet Tooth
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| Thursday, March 19th, 2009
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6:51 pm - Insanitry
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Alright, I have gotten to the point of complete and total insanity. I feel enough stress to scream, very similar to the stress that I felt going to Vet Tech school... Seriously, I thought I was through with this shit.
Anyways, the jist if my pain is the fact that I am planning a wedding, going to school, and working. My mom basically said she couldn't really help me with the planning since she is too busy with work especially in the light of the upcoming lay-offs at her work. She was basically the organizer, since me and my gramcracker are pretty much one err two of the worst organizers in history. So there is that.
Next, work. One of the girls quit to take up a better paying job in a completely different state which I can understand totally. However, this means that we and by we I mean my boss has to find another girl quick since I most definitely will be going on a honeymoon and the new girl will need to be trained in both the front and back duties.
School... shocking.. I am doing OK. Not great, but OK.
Home life is breaking me. Two weeks ago, the power jack inside my laptop broke. How? you ask.. Well, I THINK what happened was a kitten ::coughs RIVER:: knocked something onto or landed on the power jack insert thereby knocking it loose inside the laptop. Well, it worked o.k. for two days and then it would not recharge the battery at all... Called around. Geek Squad wanted 50 bucks just to find the problem (not hard to do) and would not say how much extra everything else would cost. So I figure go local and asked Rent-a-Techie who were much more helpful and actually gave me a best and worst scenario. Problem was it took 5 days for them to get around to repairing it. The fun part was taking apart the laptop. I think Acer employees Gorillas to screw those damn things together. The part was about 15 bucks or less, Labor was about 100 bucks... YIPPEE. (Actually, I felt sorry for the kid that had to deal with the laptop, since any computer near me is automatically possessed) So I was overjoyed that I got my laptop back which was last Saturday.
NOW GUESS what happens next!!! My fucking BACK EXTERNAL hard drive goes!!!!!!! the Seagate has been making these occasional weird beeping noises. Didn't think about it because it still worked. But ohoo now it won't even TURN ON. Yeah, that's right. It is fried according the several pages / forums I looked up online. So Saturday I will call up Seagate and ask wtf I do. I really want to kill something. Maybe Chris will make me steak tonight. Beer is a definite need.
current mood:  irate
current music: Cascada
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| Thursday, October 16th, 2008
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3:25 pm - meh
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Well, I am alive... and managed to graduate last year and pass my boards so now I am certified. Right now I am struggling to figure out how to fix me house with the least amount of stress and money. Not going to be easy by a long shot.
I really need to download my pictures from the camera and put them up on here... they are so cute. Mostly of Leona since she is the one most like to do somethings stupid. Got the love the retarded kitties. River is the new addition, she is incredibly stubborn but not nearly as mentally challenged as Leona. Ginger is the new dog we rescued... She was literally skin and bones when she was found. Poor baby. Not a whole else going on other than planning the wedding, which ::crosses fingers:: hopefully will be in April.
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| Saturday, May 17th, 2008
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2:49 pm - Grrrrr
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I am incredibly tempted to hurt my fiance. For some reason beyond my knowledge, it is perfectly acceptable excuse for a guy to be too tired to clean up or help around the house because he happenes to work a 40 hour week. YET, I work almost as much (about 30 hours), GO TO school full time, AND expected to clean the house. I admit, we make equal messes, but I am currently doing to majority of the house cleaning.
I came home today from work, YES work on a Saturday, yet he gets to sit on his ass and play video games and I am expected to accept this. He doesn’t get how possibly I could be upset with him. I have discussed this with him, and it generally ends up in a fight and he still doesn’t get how I feel. I need a man-dictionary. I need someone to help me explain this in its simplest form that work is no excuse to sit on your ass all weekend.
I feel like my basic options are as such
1) I accept that he isn’t going to do anything, and I do it all
2) I stop doing my share in the vain hope that he’ll pick up the slack, or at least get the idea
3) We get into another fight.
I don’t think he understands just how much crap I have to do, because he won’t, or at least he just can’t see it. I remember someone telling me that Men see movement, and Women details. For example, when we were hunter gatherers, men needed to see movement quickly for the hunting of prey, when women needed to be detail oriented when gathering foodstuffs to tell poisonous from edible. So take the dirty house, it is very possible the Chris just doesn’t see it. It can also explain why he is so good at shooter games. Then take me, I see every speck of dirt and grime, and in the video game example, all I see is detail, and the movment is lost amongst the visual stimuli I am absorbing.
Either way, it sucks big time.
I need to find a way to tie all the dirt to Malachai, then scare the crap out of him so Chris will notice it.
current mood:  pissed off
current music: The Cult - Painted on My Heart
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| Sunday, April 20th, 2008
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7:13 pm - Surviving
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I am managing to keep my head above water, but it feels like I have been treading water for hours now. There is so much I need to do, and yet I can't do everything. Right Now I have one date that I am focusing on, and it's my light at the end of the tunnel... May 20, graduation.
I pray to God that I make it.
current mood:  exhausted
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| Friday, April 18th, 2008
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6:49 pm - Writer's Block: Outta My Way!
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| Thursday, April 10th, 2008
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8:16 am - Writer's Block: Lost & Found
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| Monday, February 18th, 2008
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6:45 pm
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Alright, so I haven't posted in a while,,, mostly because I have no life. Really. This is my schedule:
MON: work 8am-6pm
TUES School8am-12pm Work 1pm to 6pm
WED School8am-12pm
THURS School8am-12pm Work 1pm to 6pm
FRI School8am-12pm Work 1pm to 6pm
SAT Work 8am-12pm
Sunday I have off.... Thats it.
And this week, I am actually working all day Monday, Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday afternoon, and all day Thursday since we have Thursday and Friday off for Rodeo Break..... Dear God a day off..
All I can say, Thank God I get paid for my internship... Otherwise I would have to kill somebody.
current mood:  aggravated
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| Saturday, January 5th, 2008
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12:47 pm - Update in a way
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Well,
I passed all me classes, with an A in Surgery, B in Nursing, and C in Clinical Pathology.
So not that my bad luck is over, Chris is having his fair share of bad luck. You see his car has died, and now we are trying to figure out what to do.
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| Wednesday, October 31st, 2007
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12:40 pm - Different Day, Same Problems
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It seems like whenever I feel like I got a handle on a tough issue, something comes along a screws all of my self-confidence. I had just got over the feeling of impending doom, and felt like, if I tried hard enough, that I would make it.
I literally went through that whole stage of, "I can't do this, I am a screw-up" then "Yes I can totally make it Happen"...
And now I am back at the "What the fuck do I think I'm doing? I can't do this against all the odds."
One of my teachers basically told me that I shouldn't be worrying about graduation since I probably won't be graduating, and she highly doubts that I'll make it to the next semester. This teacher was one that I looked up to, and felt that as long as she had confidence in me, that I'll be okay, and I could go to her for help, or at least speak to her.
She had told us that we could talk to her about anything, she has our backs, and even if we just wanted to bitch about stuff she would listen... and stupid me I believed her...
I have this strong feeling that she wants me gone. It's that, or she is deliberately trying to make me feel this way in order to get me to prove her wrong, the whole mental trick of telling somebody they can't do something in order to get them to do it... reverse psychology or some crap like that.
Either she wants me gone, or she wants me to stay and work harder... problem is, either is in her personality and it still makes me feel like crap.
I just know if I fail... my parents will eat me alive...
I have never felt so lost in my entire life. Totally sucks when your heroes lose faith in you.
current mood:  crushed
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| Wednesday, October 24th, 2007
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9:57 am - This is going to be depressing
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I am having one of those days where you question everything in your life.
Basically, I made one bloody hell of a mistake, and it won't let me go. One mistake and it ruins everything. I wish I hadn't made it, I wish I had made better decisions, but I didn't and now it won't go away. It doesn't matter how well I do everything else, one bloody mistake and nothing else matters.
Why do we only see the evil in a person, instead of the good.
We judge, we put the person through a trial in our heads, and
We call them guilty of every misdeed, every screw-up
and it turns out, we are our own hangmen.
I don't know what to do anymore, and I feel like I am just going through the motions hoping that it will solve itself.
current mood:  stressed
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| Wednesday, October 10th, 2007
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3:56 pm - Ever get the feeling...
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that out there, God really really hates you.
I keep getting into 1)trouble at school, 2)trouble with family, and 3)trouble at work.
Currently, I am surprised that work is still employing me, considering all the hassle I have and going to put them through because I am a student. And school, well I am sucking, major time. Family, haven't seen in a long time because of work and school. In fact, my sexual desire has even taken a side-line to school and work, and now not only I am stressed, but there is no bloody freaking release from all that pent-up emotion.
Basically, I am going to ask work to reduce my hours, because otherwise I am sure I am going to fail a class, and be royally screwed. Not to mention, my house looks like hell. I need to clean, and I have no energy to do it.
It's right about now that I wonder if I did something to piss God off.
'Cause I am sick, and having to deal with this shit.
Peachy fun fun...
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| Sunday, July 29th, 2007
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5:19 pm - Its a Quiz, about me!
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| Wednesday, July 4th, 2007
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10:40 am - My Deamon
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| Saturday, June 16th, 2007
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6:29 pm - Pain
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If I thought I had experienced pain before, I was sooooo wrong.
You see, I though I would have the bright idea of switching birth controls. The Depo has been driving me crazy, making me hungry all the time and screwing with my emotions. A friend got the Minerva, described the pain she was in, but then told me how mush she loved it.
So I figured, she was exaggerating the pain and it wouldn't be too bad....
I don't scream. I have had scissors go through my finger, bitten by a cat, bitten by a dog, banged my head, had a car door slammed on my hand, fell out of a tree, and broke fingers and toes. Pain is not something new. But holy mother of god that HURT.
First, she pinched the uterus, and inserted a rod or something.
And then the giggling started. Don't ask me why, but I was giggling... And the doctor had to tell me to stop since, well, it was something a bit delicate she was messing around with and me giggling wasn't helping her.
And then the Minerva was inserted. I SCREAMED. I tried not to so it wasn't loud... I think. But I am pretty sure the people out front heard something.
So now I am dealing with the cramping, which isn't so bad, but initially it was like my uterus was trying to crawl inside of itself, which made me want to vomit. I felt every bump in the road on the ride home. And then I laid down the moment I got home... To think about how crazy I was for having this done.
I am now o.k. but I hope to God that I never have to do this again. I think at that point, I'll have my tubes tied.
current mood: PAIN
current music: watching Dirty Jobs
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| Saturday, April 14th, 2007
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9:45 am - Adventures at the UC
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Alright yesterday, I woke up to pain in my throat and ear. It felt like I had a swollen tonsil (only on the left side) and it was sending shooting pain up into my ear. Eating breakfast was painful, and so I called into school, to tell them that I was sick and in pain. Couple hours later, my ear hurts more than my throat, so I thought, maybe it is the ear causing most of the pain and I have an ear infection.
So I call mom, tell her my symptoms, and she tells me to call my General Practitioner, if I can't get in to see her, go to Urgent Care. Alright, Good, except for one thing. I have another appointment at 2:30 for my B.C. shot, and Gardasil shot. SOOOO, I call Carrie, explain to her whats happeneing, at what times, and she comes over. We decide to head around looking for houses before the 2:30 appointment, then head over the U.C. We get there around 300 and we wait. I get in around 445, and by then we are trying to get a hold of Chris to give me a ride home.
In the back room, I'm freezing cold. The R.N. walks in the take a look at me and discuss my symptoms. One look at my throat, she tells me "well, it's waving at me, and even though I don't see any spots, I always want to do a strep culture in case" Alright. Then she walks out, and the MD walks in. He starts to ask me questions when the nurse pops back in and starts ordering him around, which was pretty fun to watch. As she's giving me the strep test, he's asking me questions.... which to say was a bit difficult with a stick in my mouth.
Alright, he asks me all the usual questions, then he checks my heart, my lungs, then me throat, then my "good" ear and then finally the "bad" ear. After that he says "Well, the left ear looks the same as the bad ear"
"Um.... So there's nothing wrong with my left ear?"
"Oh, I didn't say they looked GOOD"
"HUNH"
"Where one ear goes, generally the other folows, they both look opauque and cloudy"
"So, why does my ear hurt?"
"Because the membrane is stretching"
"Why then does only my left ear hurt instead of both ears?"
"Because the memebrane is stretcing more than the other ear."
"Oh."
Then he gets up and walks away... Turns around, and asks, "Any other questions?"
"Yeah.... Aren't you gonna give me something?"
"Yeah, Amoxicillin"
Then he explains it'll be a half hour before th culture is done and walks out. YAY.
Then another nurse walks in (a different one) and hands me a thing of Apple Juice, tell me she's giving me something (I have NO IDEA what name she gave for the drug, I think it was a steriod).
"Um?"
"The medicine is in the apple juice. It makes you drink it."
"Oh."
Is it just me, or do ER nurses and doc's make you feel retarded??? Like, why didn't I think of that?
Anyways, after that nurse walks out, another MD walks in, and tells me that she heard I had an impressive swollen tonsil, and I should be getting something for it (the same drug name that I just can't keep track of). "Oh! OK, cool"
"Wow. That is impressive. It's twice the size as the other one."
I laugh, and tell her that I have had swollen tonsils before and it felt like nothing new. She asks me the last time I had strep, I says" It"s been a long time, though I used to get it every year." She laughs, "They don't remove tonsils just because you get strep every year" Yeah, "I like my tonsils, they are a great warning sign, I don't want them removed!" She laughsas she leaves, I don't think she gets that reaction very often. In fact, most people are shocked when I say similar stuff.
Then the test comes back, and it's negative for strep, and they give me my prescriptions, Pain meds and antibiotics, and I get to go home.... around 6:40 after dropping the prescriptions off and stuff. THANK GOD for NSAIDS.
current music: random sounds from tv's
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| Monday, April 9th, 2007
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12:26 pm - Why me?
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My dad has changed. He's no longer the really cool Dad that I used to know. This change was subtle, and I hadn't realized how much he has developed this new persona until now. As I think about it, it probably started around Junior High or High school. Those periods of my life were filled with my need for his attention, and him blowing me off, saying he was too tired or had other things he needed to do. Dinner time was filled with his talk of work, and when mom tried to include me in the conversation, he would talk over me. Talk about killing the self-esteem.
Well, this fight started Monday night. Chris's mom wanted to see Chris for the last time for like, 3 months until she moved back to Tucson. Understandable, she just wanted to hang out with him and veg a little. Her sister and niece also came over to say goodbye. Not even 5 minutes go by, and Dad calls. He mentions that he saw Mary, and waived hi, and "Am I Invited?" pops out.
First, I was kinda shocked. I was always taught you never invite yourself, it's rude. Secondly, how do I put this where he isn't offended, and I don't create any awkwardness. I was a bit peeved that he would even put me in this position, I remember stalling a little bit, and then I said well, no. This is for kary to say good-bye to Chris since this is the last night of her stay in Tucson, and she wants to spend it with Chris. He asked, "oh, so it'll be embarrassing?" Me: "Not really, but this is kinda Family only." His reply "oh, and I'm not family, I get it" "Dad, let me explain later, right now I can't really talk" he hangs up...
I call him back, after they had left to try and explain a little. I tried to say that it wasn't a social gathering, and Kary just wanted to see her son, that's it, no big deal, yet he's offended that I didn't immediately come over.
I figured that it would have been rude to leave, since I was the hostess, and they were guests, another thing that was hammered into my head. Also, what was his business asking if he was invited??? This get-together had nothing to do with him, nothing to do with our family.
So, the week goes by, he's still pissed at me, so I let him be. I tell Mom everything that has happened, and she agrees to be a mediator of a sort, and suggests to have brunch on Saturday. So good so far. We meet there, and everything is going smoothly, until he wants to discuss, "the issue". Where he stats talking about how he's mad at me for not taking care of the house, not paying him enough attention, and the whole monday issues. I try to explain that this was Kary's night with Chris and I didn't want to leave since it would have been rude. Apparently, he believes that I said it would have been embarrassing to have him there and that he wasn't family, and I rebuked him when he asked me to come over to his place while Kary was at the house. Apparently, I also told him that I didn't care about the house, and said whatever when he was talking to me about cleaning it up. That I only called when I needed something from him, and it was a relationship of convenience.
No matter what I said, he wasn't happy. He just glared at me and kept on saying how bad I was even though i was crying. (Honestly ,after all that, who wouldn't cry?) SO basically, Mom tried to get him to understand my point of view, but of course, it didn't matter because I am supposed to be eternally grateful that he helped me get this house and that he raised me...
So now I starting to think about moving. Having him across the street is driving me insane. I don't have any privacy, he knows who comes over, he knows when they leave, and I can't have a party with out him wanting to come over. It's like I'm back in high-school, except even then, he didn't expect as much attention as he is demanding now. GRR.
Why is he staying here??? He hates it here, and all he wants to do is go fishing....
SO what do I do?? Go see a psychologist.
current music: Swamp Cooler
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| Monday, March 12th, 2007
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8:48 am - Trouble Always Comes In Three's
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Cortana has gone to the great beyond.
She had stopped eating around Thursday night, and I tried to bribe her by giving her wet food or tuna. It worked after a while, since it seemed that she was seeking out attention and was a bit more active.
This morning, Chris found her, laying on one of the rugs as if she were asleep.
I am going to miss her. She stayed by mis side when I was sick, and purred to me to help me get better. She was the godzilla kitty that let the Dog know who's boss. She was a grest cat who deserved much more than what she was given. She deserved a long life, with a good heart.
She took what she had, and made the most of it.
I hope that she has found a window to look out of, to lay in the sun, and look down upon the dogs to tease and torment them.
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| Saturday, March 10th, 2007
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1:51 pm - Money, Life, Parents
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Alrighteeee
I need money, who doesn't. Although, I want money for stuff that I really don't need, but then I get worried that I am not gonna be able to finish school...
I need a job, but I want to wait until I get my internship, which won't start until May 29th....Yay. Let's see if I can last that long.
Chris and I are doing great, I feel like we're bonding more and more, and I really do love him, makes me feel that everything will work out O.K.
Mom and I, are doing pretty good. She suck a sweetheart sometimes, she bought me a $50 pair of jeans... I have never spent that much on a pair of clothing except my prom dresses. I really love spending time with her, she can voice or explain things in a more understandable way that I can, and yet I can tell her stuff, and she can reword it so it makes more sense, and most of our conversations are like that, she helps me to understand myself better, help me to rationalize why I say or do certain things, or why Dad is nutz. We act more like best friends now, and I love it. I love being able to talk to her about anything, and she won't judge me... unless it's about marriage or tattoo's.
Dad... is driving me crazy. Parents shouldn't live across the street from you until you have been married, lived out of area and have kids. He will just walk across the street and bang on the door and window until we answer the door, and expects us to drop everything and pay attention to him. I love him to death, and I know he's lonely, he's also driving me nutz. I have never been a huge socialite, and you can call me a loner, absolutely. When I was in grade school, I didn't get a whole lot of attention from either of my parents. Even when I was forced to visit my birth-mother in FLorida, I was still spending the majority of my time alone. In high school, it took mom most of her sanity to get me to talk, mostly because Dad has a major tendency to talk over people, and just jump in and start his own conversation. Hence why I don't really talk much to my parents. No point since they weren't really interested in what I had to say, or how my day was. Suddenly, now that he doesn't have anyone else to talk to, I am his sole friend and family, and want to chat. After not really speaking to him for years, it feels so weird to have this much attention. Talk about unnatural.
Also, I need to lose weight. BAD. Dammit, it sucks. I think I might have lost a pound. A POUND. Grr.
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